TWISTED DOG'S ARMY

"Rehoming" Fees on Craigslist

2007-06-01T14:26:00.000-06:00

If you've ever prowled the "pets" area of Craigslist, you've seen people asking for "rehoming" fees or adoption fees.

I don't know why any individual would charge a fee to offload a pet that they don't want, but the Craigslist terms of service allow "rehoming with a small adoption fee."

"Rehoming" isn't a word, but it's for shelters that need to recoup some of the cost they incur while housing these animals. If you ever see an individual using this term, or charging a fee. Please flag the hell out of them.

Thank you.

Vending Machine Mystery Solved.

2007-05-18T12:01:00.000-06:00

I often hear complaints about the lack of entrepreneurial spirit at local dog parks. Usually from whine-aramers. Well calm down; there's a new Hey Buddy! vending machine at White Rock Lake Dog Park.

Now, instead of having to slurp from a muddy bowl of bulldog slobber, you can fetch yourself a clean, vitamin-fortified bottled water. It's civility and nothing less.

When I saw the bright red machine ensconced in its faux dog house, I knew I had to steal the idea for myself. Unfortunately, it's owned by fashion model and inventor Carlotta Lennox. Even worse, she's patented the thing.

"We've had a prototype machine at the downtown Bark Park since, 2005," she says when I call to find out if she might have passed away without heirs. "But the one at White Rock is the first of the official line."

In it, you'll find flying discs, chew toys, balls, pick-up bags, leashes, collars and other things dog-owners carelessly forget when taking their pets to the park. Carlotta promises to have a suggestion box for items put up by the end of the week, as well as landscaping. "I'm pretty anal about the way I want them to look," she claims.

Ok, so they DO look good, and you won't find better prices on this kind of stuff. You're not going to find a $5 retractable leash at Pet Smart. That's for sure. And on top of all this, Carlotta says 10 percent of the proceeds are going to the park.

"Over the summer, we'll be installing about 10 more machines," crows the blood-thirsty capitalist who's pricing me out of the market. Look for machines not only at parks such as Fort Woof and Grand Prairie's Paw Pals, but also at apartment buildings like Dallas Power & Light. "Part of the idea came from me hating to get up and go to the store for dog food or something at night." She's fortunate to have two black labs, Buster and Bailey, who surely deserve food.

By the way, the "Buddy" in Hey Buddy! is just a made-up name. I wonder if that constitutes fraud.

You're asking yourself, what possible place could Twisted Dog have in this extremely competitive market? I'm way ahead of you.

In response to overwhelming demand (mostly from Kirk on Pegasus News, which has a similar, but-not-as-good story) I'm pleased to announce the grand opening of Twisted Dog's Apparel. Yes, high-quality clothing and goods that you can be proud to own, wear, and receive salutes in as a member of Twisted Dog's Army (and that's copyrighted, dammit).

Will I be giving money to charity? How much money do you think I make if I'm commenting on this site all day long? I AM CHARITY. Won't you please purchase a T-shirt, coffee cup or bumper sticker so that I may eat tonight?

I just need enough cash to get something out of the vending machine.

Already not a good day.

2007-05-16T10:13:00.000-06:00

What is it that makes PEOPLE - who think they're the higher order beings on this planet - treat other beings in such horrible ways? It's like they're all George Bush clones, assuming they know something and have the moral authority to dictate life and death. It's laughable, when it isn't horrifyingly stupid. Examples from the last 24 hours:

Three teens accused of burning dog alive
Three teens are accused of burning a dog alive in what animal rescuers from central Georgia called one of the worst examples of animal cruelty in they have ever seen.

NFL quarterback Michael Vick implicated in dog fighting
Two different sources in law enforcement say NFL quarterback Michael Vick not only knew about the dog fighting at a house he owned, but that he was an active participant at the fights that allegedly took place behind the house.

Some idiot cut off a German Shepherd's ears
An anonymous phone call led investigators to the balcony of an apartment building where the dog was crying and pawing at his ears.

No garbage in and no garbage out

2007-05-15T10:23:00.000-06:00

The hippie types over at Green Options Blog have a good article today on how to be more eco-friendly with your pet. Among other things, they point out where to get sustainably grown pet food, eco-friendly toys and leashes (hemp, of course), biodegradable pick-up bags and wheat based kitty litter for your smelly cat.

I personally hate the idea of plastic pick-up bags. Just because some people don't want good ol' NATURAL fertilizer on their lawn (or shoe), landfills are full of perfectly biodegradable substances wrapped in non-biodegradable bags. What sense does that make?

Ever the compromiser, I use Bio-Bags, which are made from GMO-free corn starch. They cost about the same as the ridiculously marked up plastic bags you find in pet stores, and they even make cat pan liners. Unfortunately the bags are made in Norway and I can't find anything on the company's international site about buying points to offset the carbon emissions from transportation. If you're concerned about that, you can ask them here.

In East Dallas, I get mine at Green Living. They're also available from Clean Air Gardening, which, according to JetsonGreen, just bought a new building in town.

GO HOME HEIDI.

2007-05-14T10:33:00.000-06:00

NEW: The ad on cragslist has been "deleted by user." I wonder if that means Heidi made it home.

Heidi, you don't need to run away to get media attention. If anybody sees this golden, please remind her that the best way to make the papers is to do what comes natural and expose her crotch a la Britney. And then take her home.

And if you're in kennedale and see some errant sheep, do the same. Sheep are SO dumb.

GRAND OPENING OF TWISTED DOG'S APPAREL

2007-05-12T21:22:00.000-06:00

SO MANY OF YOU HAVE ASKED, WHERE CAN I GET A TWISTED DOG T-SHIRT, COFFEE CUP OR BUMPER STICKER? I FIND IT COMPLETELY ANNOYING. BUT NOW, YOU CAN GET SUCH STUFF AT MY NEW ONLINE STORE, TWISTED DOG'S APPAREL.

FEEL FREE TO SHOP TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT AND OUTFIT YOURSELF WITH THE FINEST GOODS MONEY CAN BUY.

AND NEVER AGAIN SAY I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU.

BE KIND TO ANIMALS WEEK

2007-05-12T21:02:00.000-06:00

IT'S OVER. I'M SURE A LOT OF YOU WERE AWARE OF IT AND WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO FEED YOUR PETS CAVIAR AND WHATNOT. I'M SURE YOU ACTIVELY LOOKED TO FIND STRAY ANIMALS AND ADOPT THEM. I'M SURE YOU JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO DONATE TO THE SPCA.

NONE OF YOU DID ANYTHING FOR ME PERSONALLY, HOWEVER.

GIMP STEALS RACCOON

2007-01-07T18:22:00.000-06:00

THIS HORRIFIC STORY ON PEGASUS NEWS HAS TO BE THE MOST AMAZING AND DESPICABLE STORY OF THE YEAR.

PARIS HILTON IS A SLIMY HO.

2006-03-09T13:34:00.000-06:00

JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT. REPORTS SAY THAT THIS IDIOT IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HIRE A DOG TO ACCOMPANY HER TO SOME BRIT AWARDS SHOW. FIRST OFF, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LIMEYS REWARDING HER FOR? SECONDLY, PARIS HILTON IS A DOG KILLER!! I AM URGING ALL YOU BRIT PUPS TO CONVERGE ON THAT CEREMONY AND CEREMONIOUSLY PISS ON EVERY DESIGNER GOWN YOU CAN FIND. I MEAN, IS THIS ANY WAY TO HOLD A DOG?

IS SHE STRANGLING THE DOG HERE? QUITE!:

¡MUERDA SUS ENTRERROSCAS APAGADO, TINKERBELL! GRRR.

CELEBS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE DOGS (ESPECIALLY THAT DOG-KILLING WHORE PARIS). CATS ARE OK, THEY'RE ALL STUCK-UP PUSSIES ANYWAY. BUT WITH A CELEB, A DOG JUST CAN'T BE A DOG. CASE IN POINT: THE CHI-TRIB REPORTS ON A NEW MAG CALLED THE HOLLYWOOD DOG, AN OBVIOUSLY HUMAN VENTURE THAT CONTAINS A "DOGGIE PSYCHIC," "PUPERAZZI PICS" OF DOGS AND THEIR CELEBS, AND EVEN OBITUARIES. JESUS. CAN I GET A COLLECTIVE SNEER? WHAT WE NEED IS A SCRATCH-N-SNIFF, GODDAMMIT.

BAD DAY! BAD DAY!

2006-02-28T16:23:00.000-06:00

HOLY CRAP, IT'S A HORRIBLE DAY FOR DOGS. I HATE TO BE A DOWNER, BUT JESUS CHRIST, JUST LOOK AT THIS:

IN EDMONTON, CANADA, A LADY STABS HER DOG WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE, TWICE. WHAT? THE POOR DOG IS IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT EXPECTED TO SURVIVE.

AN A-HOLE IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA, TELLS A JUDGE THAT HE'S "MISUNDERSTOOD" AFTER BEING CHARGED WITH DRAGGING HIS DOG BEHIND HIS CAR. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THAT. THE POOR MUTT'S PAWS WERE COMPLETELY RIPPED OFF, AND HE'S UNDERGOING TREATMENT AT A SHELTER.

AND SOME LOSERS IN CONN. SUED TO SHUT DOWN A DOG PARK, CLAIMING THE PARK WASN'T LEGIT BECAUSE KIDS UNDER 10 WEREN'T ALLOWED. SEEMS LIKE A PERFECTLY LEGIT REASON TO ME. FORTUNATELY THE JUDGE IN THE CASE WENT ALL JOHNNY COCHRAN ON THEIR ASS, SAYING, "THE FIGHT OVER THE PARK'S USE, IS MORE LIKE LITIGATION ABUSE." TAILS UP FOR THAT JUDGE!

THANK CHRIST, THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS OUT THERE, AS WELL. CHICAGO FIREFIGHTERS RESCUED A MASTIF WHO'D SMARTLY CLIMBED ONTO THE ROOF TO ESCAPE THE FLAMES FROM A HOUSE FIRE. WAY TO GO GUYS. ... AND A CHIHUAHUA NAMED MIDGE WILL BECOME THE SMALLEST DRUG DOG IN OHIO, ONCE SHE FINISHES TRAINING. NOT A BAD CHOICE. CHIHUAHUAS KNOW FROM LOCO WEED.

AND THOUGH IT'S NOT GOOD NEWS, HERE'S A LOT OF RESPECT FOR MIKE MCCURRY OF WASHINGTON STATE, WHO DIED AFTER FALLING THROUGH THIN ICE WHILE TRYING TO SAVE A DOG THAT WAS DROWNING. IT WASN'T EVEN HIS DOG. I SALUTE YOU, MIKE.

SNIFF THIS!

2006-02-27T16:16:00.000-06:00

HERE'S ANOTHER CASE OF USELESS DOG BASHING! YOU'LL NOTE THE LOUSY HEADLINE LAYS THE BLAME ON THESE POOR WORKING DOGS WHEN, IN FACT, IT'S THE HANDLERS WHO'RE LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING A-HOLES. I'M SURE THE DOGS WERE JUST WAITING FOR THE EXPLOSIVES TO BLOW THE TRAINERS TO SMITHEREENS. CHICAGOANS, THESE DOGS WERE WILLING TO SACRIFICE THEIR LIVES FOR YOUR SAFETY.

AS IS SADIE A BRITISH LAB SNIFFER WHO'S UP FOR A DICKIN MEDAL, WHICH IS THE ANIMAL EQUIVALENT OF THE VICTORIA CROSS. I BET NO CAT HAS EVER BEEN AWARDED ONE. AND IF ONE HAS, IT'S A DAMN SHAME. SADIE HAS BEEN CREDITED WITH SAVING COUNTLESS LIVES. AND HUMAN ONES AT THAT. GOOD JOB SADIE!

FINALLY, WHILE I GENERALLY APPLAUD MOVIE-STAR DOGS, THIS ONE NEEDS AN AGENT.
WHO NEEDS A TIM ALLEN REMAKE OF THE SHAGGY DOG WHEN THE O.G. WAS SO GODDAMNED GOOD? GET A BETTER SCRIPT READER, MUTT. AND, TIM ALLEN, PLEASE QUIT MAKING MOVIES.

BE HEELED.

2006-02-23T14:45:00.000-06:00

OK, SOME NITWIT IN INDIA IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOGS BEING IN A HOSPITAL. I'M SURE THERE'S PLENTY OF THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IN INDIA (THEY LET COWS WALK AROUND UNBRIDLED AND LEAKING MILK EVERYWHERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE), BUT HERE IN AMERICA WE KNOW HAVING DOGS AROUND ACTUALLY HELPS PATIENTS RECOVER.

SO ALL YOU DOGS IN INDIA ARE COMMANDED TO IMMEDIATELY BUG OUT TO THE HOSPITAL AND BIVOUAC IN THE SURROUNDING AREA. SUPPORT YOUR FELLOW TROOPS INSIDE, AND TRY (I KNOW IT'S HARD) NOT TO IMPEDE INCOMING AND OUTGOING MAIL DELIVERIES.
AND FINALLY, WE'VE HAD SOME SUCCESS WITH HUMANS. INCREASINGLY, NO LONGER ARE WE LEFT OUTSIDE WITHOUT WATER OR FOOD, OR CHAINED TO A TREE OR SOMETHING THAT MAKES US WANT TO KILL KILL KILL!!! THE TIMES HAS A PRETTY GOOD ARTICLE ON JOHN GROGAN'S BOOK, "MARLEY AND ME," AND THE NATIONAL OBSESSION WITH DOG TRAINING. YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE STILL HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT A DOG IS A DOG AND WILL ALWAYS BEHAVE LIKE A DOG. I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S A PRIEST VISITING THE HOUSE OR WHAT, WE'LL NEVER USE A KNIFE AND FORK!

SO FOR ALL YOU DOGS, A QUESTION: WHAT DO YOUR PEOPLE DO WHEN YOUR INNER DOG GETS THE BEST OF YOU?

HEY, I GIVE A CRAP

2006-02-22T11:38:00.000-06:00

FOR ALL OF YOU HUNG UP ON DOG CRAP IN YOUR YARDS (A SWEET-SMELLING NATURAL FERTILIZER). HERE'S A GREAT IDEA FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO TURN IT INTO POWER. WHAT DO YOU HUMANS DO WTIH YOUR SHIT? FLUSH IT INTO THE OCEAN? JESUS.

{REUETERS}
SAN FRANCISCO (Feb. 22) - San Francisco, a leader in urban recycling, is preparing to enlist its canine population for a first in the United States: converting dog poop into energy.

Norcal Waste Systems Inc., the city's garbage company, plans to test collection carts and biodegradable bags in a city-center park popular with dog walkers.

A city study found that almost 4 percent of all the garbage picked up at San Francisco homes was from animal waste destined for the city's landfill, Norcal Waste spokesman Robert Reid said. San Francisco has an estimated 120,000 dogs.
''The city asked us to start thinking about a pilot program to recycle the dog poop in order to cut back adding more waste in landfills,'' Reid said.
Dog feces could be scooped into a methane digester, a device that uses bugs and microorganisms to gobble up the material and emit methane, which would be trapped and burned to power a turbine to make electricity or to heat homes.

Dogs and cats in the United States produce about 10 million tons of waste a year, Will Brinton, an environmental scientist and owner-director of Woods End Laboratories in Maine, said.

''As much as we love them, our pets leave a lot of manure behind them in yards and on the street and that can be a major source of contamination of groundwater,'' Brinton said.
European cities such as Zurich, Frankfurt, Munich and Vienna are operating biomass programs to turn waste into gas, he said.
San Francisco runs an aggressive program to recycle bottles, cans, paper and other trash and now diverts two-thirds of its garbage away from landfills.
The city's goal is a 75 percent diversion by 2010 and zero new waste in landfills by 2020.

ETHICS -- HAVE ANY?

2005-09-26T12:22:00.000-06:00

THIS MAY BE THE DUMBEST MOVE EVER BY MANKIND. HERE WE HAVE ARMED DOLPHINS, TRAINED TO KILL BY THE U.S. MILITARY, LOOSE IN THE GULF OF MEXICO. ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT YOU PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GET THE REST OF US INVOLVED? HOLY SHIT.

Armed and dangerous - Flipper the firing dolphin let loose by Katrina

TOO KIND

2005-09-19T11:53:00.000-06:00

THE SPCA IN DALLAS HAS RECEIVED SO MANY DONATIONS, THAT THEY'VE RUN OUT OF ROOM. YOU PEOPLE RULE!

THIS IS POSTED ON THEIR SITE ALONG WITH A GREAT STORY AND PICTURES ABOUT HOW THE STAFF VENTURED TO LOUISIANA TO HELP PROCESS AN EXPOSITION CENTER FULL OF LOST ANIMALS:

"Due to the enormous outpouring support of in-kind gifts, the SPCA of Texas has no more room to receive and store in-kind donations at this time. We ask that anyone wishing to donate items please wait and give us time to make room in our storage areas. Thank you for your patience and understanding."

CASH IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED, I'M SURE. BUT THANKS A LOT FOR YOUR COMPASSION!

NOW, BACK TO LICKING MYSELF.

RIDIN' IN STYLE

2005-09-17T12:48:00.000-06:00

A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE IN HOUSTON (SHE LETS ME DIG IN HER BACK YARD) SENT ALONG THIS PIC OF SOME OF THE RESCUED KATRINA BROTHERS. THE WINDOWS DON'T ROLL DOWN, BUT IT'S A HELL OF A VEHICLE.

GOOD HUMANS! GOOD HUMANS!

2005-09-13T12:12:00.000-06:00

IF YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT THE DALLAS SPCA IS DOING TO HELP THE KATRINA PETS CHECK OUT THEIR SITE FOR VERY COOL PIX, INCLUDING THE ONE ABOVE. GREAT NAME FOR A DOG!

AND DONATE SOMETHING. TIME. MONEY. CHILDREN. SOMETHING.

BACK TO BUSINESS

2005-09-12T01:09:00.000-06:00

SNIFF MY ASS!

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT

2005-09-10T17:18:00.000-06:00

HELP US!

2005-09-09T10:00:00.000-06:00

This great idea originated by the food blog beyond comparison, NYCE.

THE MEDIA HAS FINALLY DECIDED THE HELPLESS ANIMALS IN THE SOUTH ARE WORTH WRITING ABOUT. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER I GUESS. PLEASE GIVE, EVEN CATS DESERVE IT. (I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT.)

FUCK YOU.

2005-08-18T13:34:00.000-06:00

UP THE BEACH

2005-07-28T14:21:00.000-06:00

I WENT COASTAL YESTERDAY! THERE'S NO SEAGULL ALIVE THAT DOESN'T FEAR ME!!!! NO DUNE I HAVEN'T PEED ON!!!! NO SAND CRAB I HAVEN'T CHASED BACK DOWN HIS HOLE!!! I RULE THE BEACH!!!

You're lazy

2005-07-21T18:38:00.000-06:00

BUT I'M NOT

JUST RIDICULOUS

2005-07-20T10:51:00.000-06:00

TODAY I GOT YELLED AT TWICE FOR TRYING TO CHASE CATS. WHY CAN'T I CHASE CATS? CATS CHASE BIRDS, MICE, CRICKETS AND ALL SORTS OF SHIT. I PROMISE I'D NEVER LEAVE A DEAD CAT ON ANYBODY'S DOORSTEP OR TORTURE THE THING (MUCH). IT'S JUST RACISM.

IDIOTS

2005-07-15T09:30:00.000-06:00

TODAY SOME LADY PETTED ME ON THE HEAD AND THEN REMARKED THAT SHE HATED DOGS. DO YOU SEE HOW IRRESISTIBLE I AM?

INTERNET PORN

2005-07-14T11:02:00.000-06:00

I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I SO GET OFF TO THESE PICS. I COULD JUST LICK MYSELF ALL DAY LONG TO THEM. THOUGH, I'D PROBABLY BE DOING THAT ANYWAY.

SAPS

2005-07-13T09:47:00.000-06:00

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO LEFT YOUR INFORMATION AT THE STOP SIGN. I'VE SENT ALL YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS TO SPAMMERS AND IDENTITY THIEVES. AS IF I'D HAVE A PARTY AND INVITE YOU.

R.S.V.PEE

2005-07-12T10:50:00.000-06:00

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LETTERS OF CONCERN WHILE I WAS UNEXPECTEDLY ABSENT YESTERDAY, YOU UNCARING BASTARDS.

I'M HAVING A SMALL GET-TOGETHER THIS WEEKEND IN HONOR OF THE INTERNATIONAL BEER FEST. IF YOU PLAN TO COME, PLEASE LEAVE A SQIRT AT THE STOP SIGN ON THE CORNER OF 22ND AND MAIN THAT INCLUDES YOUR BREED, SEX, AGE AND VACCINATION STATUS. NO NEUTERED MALES (LIKE THE GUY ABOVE).

TODAY SUCKS

2005-07-08T09:38:00.000-06:00

THERE'S NO SUN. IT'S GRAY AND COLD OUTSIDE AND THAT MAKES LYING ON THE FRONT PORCH INTOLERABLE. IT SUCKS. FUCK EVERYTHING.

THE WHEEL THING

2005-07-07T12:36:00.000-06:00

OK, I THINK I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED THAT BICYCLES THEMSELVES ARE NOT TO BE SCARED OF, CHASED OR BARKED AT. I CAN DEAL. IT'S THE PEOPLE THAT ARE ON THE BIKES THAT ARE THE ASSHOLES. AND I CAN'T GET AT THEM BECAUSE THEY CHEAT BY RIDING THE BIKES REALLY FAST.

SKATEBOARDS ARE ANOTHER STORY. I HATE THEM. I GOT SMACKED PRETTY GOOD THE OTHER DAY FOR GOING AFTER ONE. BUT IT WAS ALL WORTH IT BECAUSE I GOT A PIECE OF SOME SKATE PUNK. THAT'LL TEACH HIM TO RIDE BY ME.

PIC'D UP

2005-07-06T10:32:00.000-06:00

HERE IS A PIC SENT TO ME BY A FRIEND. NOTE ITS SIZE. IT'S DOG SIZED. IT IS A PICTURE OF A FAR-AWAY BEACH, WHERE DOGS ROAM FREE. FREE TO RUN IN THE SAND. FREE TO ROLL IN FISH GUTS. FREE TO CHASE SEAGULLS. FREE.

ALSO, POODLES SUCK.

Walk on

2005-07-05T12:45:00.000-06:00

HAPPY FRIGGIN' 4TH.

I HAD A MUCH BETTER WEEKEND THAN YOU DID. I WENT ON A MASSIVE HIKE AND SMELLED ALL SORTS OF CRAZY SHIT, FROM BEETLES TO BEAR CRAP. AND ON MONDAY I BARKED MY ASS OFF AT THE FIREWORKS. I'D GO ON, BUT I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT HOW MUCH YOUR PITIFUL CELEBRATIONS SUCKED.

I HAVE TO BE NICE

2005-07-01T11:44:00.000-06:00

MY "OWNER'S" LITTER MATE GOT A FINE EXAMPLE OF A HOUND RECENTLY. I SAY FINE BECAUSE IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ME, EXCEPT NOT NEARLY AS CUTE. BUT PLACING THAT KIND OF EXPECTATION ON ANYBODY IS TOTALLY UNFAIR. CHECK OUT "MOON PIE."

A GOOD NIGHT

2005-06-30T13:13:00.000-06:00

PERHAPS TO MAKE UP FOR THE DISMAL CAT DREAM YESTERDAY, I WAS ALLOWED TO LICK SOME STINKY FISH REMNANTS OFF A BBQ GRILL AND LICK SOME USED HAMBURGER PLATES. THE JOY! MAYBE MY EUPHORIA WAS TOO LONG LIVED BECAUSE I ALLOWED A MAILMAN TO PET ME THIS A.M. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

MY IDIOT OWNER

2005-06-29T10:51:00.000-06:00

THE GUY WHO SUPPOSEDLY "OWNS" ME, THE PERSON I TOLERATE BECAUSE HE FEEDS ME FOR FREE (SUCKER), HAD A RETARDED DREAM LAST NIGHT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THE MORON TOLD ME ABOUT IT, BUT HE DREAMT THAT I BECAME FRIENDS WITH A ... CAT!!!

AS FUCKING IF!
MY DAY IS ABSOLUTELY RUINED NOW.

NOW LISTEN HERE

2005-06-28T10:11:00.000-06:00

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME PEOPLE THINK THEIR DOGS ARE BETTER THAN ME. EVEN TO THE EXTENT THAT THEY POST PICTURES OF THEM ON THE WEB.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THERE ARE NO DOGS BETTER THAN ME! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

AND TAKE THOSE UGLY PICTURES OFF THE WEB.

FUCKING RAIN

2005-06-27T10:40:00.000-06:00

DO I WANT TO GET WET? NO! BUT TODAY I HAD TO SIT IN THE RAIN OUTSIDE THE STARBUCKS BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE DIDN'T HAVE COFFEE BEANS. I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHO, BUT HE KNOWS WHO HE IS. THEN, UPON RETURN, I HAD TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO A TOWLING. JESUS CHRIST. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO TAKE A SHIT!

WHY I CHASE CATS

2005-06-24T10:21:00.000-06:00

FOR BREAKFAST TODAY I HAD A NIP OF CAT SHIT. I THINK IT WAS TABBY, MAYBE CALICO. IT WAS RICH, ROBUST, SLIGHTLY WARM AND HAD A NICE TOUCH OF VERMICULITE. TRES GOURMET!

MY ASS, YOUR YARD

2005-06-23T23:24:00.000-06:00

HEY YOU AT 2237 YAKIMA STREET. I TOOK A DUMP IN YOUR YARD. LET'S SEE YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Your dog is nothing.

2005-06-22T20:29:00.000-06:00

I PEE ON YOUR DOG! I PEE ON HIM! YOUR DOG IS NO MATCH FOR ME!