Vending Machine Mystery Solved.

I often hear complaints about the lack of entrepreneurial spirit at local dog parks. Usually from whine-aramers. Well calm down; there's a new Hey Buddy! vending machine at White Rock Lake Dog Park.

Now, instead of having to slurp from a muddy bowl of bulldog slobber, you can fetch yourself a clean, vitamin-fortified bottled water. It's civility and nothing less.

When I saw the bright red machine ensconced in its faux dog house, I knew I had to steal the idea for myself. Unfortunately, it's owned by fashion model and inventor Carlotta Lennox. Even worse, she's patented the thing.

"We've had a prototype machine at the downtown Bark Park since, 2005," she says when I call to find out if she might have passed away without heirs. "But the one at White Rock is the first of the official line."

In it, you'll find flying discs, chew toys, balls, pick-up bags, leashes, collars and other things dog-owners carelessly forget when taking their pets to the park. Carlotta promises to have a suggestion box for items put up by the end of the week, as well as landscaping. "I'm pretty anal about the way I want them to look," she claims.

Ok, so they DO look good, and you won't find better prices on this kind of stuff. You're not going to find a $5 retractable leash at Pet Smart. That's for sure. And on top of all this, Carlotta says 10 percent of the proceeds are going to the park.

"Over the summer, we'll be installing about 10 more machines," crows the blood-thirsty capitalist who's pricing me out of the market. Look for machines not only at parks such as Fort Woof and Grand Prairie's Paw Pals, but also at apartment buildings like Dallas Power & Light. "Part of the idea came from me hating to get up and go to the store for dog food or something at night." She's fortunate to have two black labs, Buster and Bailey, who surely deserve food.

By the way, the "Buddy" in Hey Buddy! is just a made-up name. I wonder if that constitutes fraud.

You're asking yourself, what possible place could Twisted Dog have in this extremely competitive market? I'm way ahead of you.

In response to overwhelming demand (mostly from Kirk on Pegasus News, which has a similar, but-not-as-good story) I'm pleased to announce the grand opening of Twisted Dog's Apparel. Yes, high-quality clothing and goods that you can be proud to own, wear, and receive salutes in as a member of Twisted Dog's Army (and that's copyrighted, dammit).

Will I be giving money to charity? How much money do you think I make if I'm commenting on this site all day long? I AM CHARITY. Won't you please purchase a T-shirt, coffee cup or bumper sticker so that I may eat tonight?

I just need enough cash to get something out of the vending machine.

Already not a good day.

What is it that makes PEOPLE - who think they're the higher order beings on this planet - treat other beings in such horrible ways? It's like they're all George Bush clones, assuming they know something and have the moral authority to dictate life and death. It's laughable, when it isn't horrifyingly stupid. Examples from the last 24 hours:

Three teens accused of burning dog alive
Three teens are accused of burning a dog alive in what animal rescuers from central Georgia called one of the worst examples of animal cruelty in they have ever seen.

NFL quarterback Michael Vick implicated in dog fighting
Two different sources in law enforcement say NFL quarterback Michael Vick not only knew about the dog fighting at a house he owned, but that he was an active participant at the fights that allegedly took place behind the house.

Some idiot cut off a German Shepherd's ears
An anonymous phone call led investigators to the balcony of an apartment building where the dog was crying and pawing at his ears.

No garbage in and no garbage out

The hippie types over at Green Options Blog have a good article today on how to be more eco-friendly with your pet. Among other things, they point out where to get sustainably grown pet food, eco-friendly toys and leashes (hemp, of course), biodegradable pick-up bags and wheat based kitty litter for your smelly cat.

I personally hate the idea of plastic pick-up bags. Just because some people don't want good ol' NATURAL fertilizer on their lawn (or shoe), landfills are full of perfectly biodegradable substances wrapped in non-biodegradable bags. What sense does that make?

Ever the compromiser, I use Bio-Bags, which are made from GMO-free corn starch. They cost about the same as the ridiculously marked up plastic bags you find in pet stores, and they even make cat pan liners. Unfortunately the bags are made in Norway and I can't find anything on the company's international site about buying points to offset the carbon emissions from transportation. If you're concerned about that, you can ask them here.

In East Dallas, I get mine at Green Living. They're also available from Clean Air Gardening, which, according to JetsonGreen, just bought a new building in town.

GO HOME HEIDI.

NEW: The ad on cragslist has been "deleted by user." I wonder if that means Heidi made it home.



Heidi, you don't need to run away to get media attention. If anybody sees this golden, please remind her that the best way to make the papers is to do what comes natural and expose her crotch a la Britney. And then take her home.

And if you're in kennedale and see some errant sheep, do the same. Sheep are SO dumb.

GRAND OPENING OF TWISTED DOG'S APPAREL

SO MANY OF YOU HAVE ASKED, WHERE CAN I GET A TWISTED DOG T-SHIRT, COFFEE CUP OR BUMPER STICKER? I FIND IT COMPLETELY ANNOYING. BUT NOW, YOU CAN GET SUCH STUFF AT MY NEW ONLINE STORE, TWISTED DOG'S APPAREL.

FEEL FREE TO SHOP TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT AND OUTFIT YOURSELF WITH THE FINEST GOODS MONEY CAN BUY.

AND NEVER AGAIN SAY I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU.

BE KIND TO ANIMALS WEEK

IT'S OVER. I'M SURE A LOT OF YOU WERE AWARE OF IT AND WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO FEED YOUR PETS CAVIAR AND WHATNOT. I'M SURE YOU ACTIVELY LOOKED TO FIND STRAY ANIMALS AND ADOPT THEM. I'M SURE YOU JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO DONATE TO THE SPCA.

NONE OF YOU DID ANYTHING FOR ME PERSONALLY, HOWEVER.