PARIS HILTON IS A SLIMY HO.

JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT. REPORTS SAY THAT THIS IDIOT IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HIRE A DOG TO ACCOMPANY HER TO SOME BRIT AWARDS SHOW. FIRST OFF, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LIMEYS REWARDING HER FOR? SECONDLY, PARIS HILTON IS A DOG KILLER!! I AM URGING ALL YOU BRIT PUPS TO CONVERGE ON THAT CEREMONY AND CEREMONIOUSLY PISS ON EVERY DESIGNER GOWN YOU CAN FIND. I MEAN, IS THIS ANY WAY TO HOLD A DOG?




IS SHE STRANGLING THE DOG HERE? QUITE!:

¡MUERDA SUS ENTRERROSCAS APAGADO, TINKERBELL! GRRR.

CELEBS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE DOGS (ESPECIALLY THAT DOG-KILLING WHORE PARIS). CATS ARE OK, THEY'RE ALL STUCK-UP PUSSIES ANYWAY. BUT WITH A CELEB, A DOG JUST CAN'T BE A DOG. CASE IN POINT: THE CHI-TRIB REPORTS ON A NEW MAG CALLED THE HOLLYWOOD DOG, AN OBVIOUSLY HUMAN VENTURE THAT CONTAINS A "DOGGIE PSYCHIC," "PUPERAZZI PICS" OF DOGS AND THEIR CELEBS, AND EVEN OBITUARIES. JESUS. CAN I GET A COLLECTIVE SNEER? WHAT WE NEED IS A SCRATCH-N-SNIFF, GODDAMMIT.

BAD DAY! BAD DAY!

HOLY CRAP, IT'S A HORRIBLE DAY FOR DOGS. I HATE TO BE A DOWNER, BUT JESUS CHRIST, JUST LOOK AT THIS:

IN EDMONTON, CANADA, A LADY STABS HER DOG WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE, TWICE. WHAT? THE POOR DOG IS IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT EXPECTED TO SURVIVE.

AN A-HOLE IN PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA, TELLS A JUDGE THAT HE'S "MISUNDERSTOOD" AFTER BEING CHARGED WITH DRAGGING HIS DOG BEHIND HIS CAR. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THAT. THE POOR MUTT'S PAWS WERE COMPLETELY RIPPED OFF, AND HE'S UNDERGOING TREATMENT AT A SHELTER.

AND SOME LOSERS IN CONN. SUED TO SHUT DOWN A DOG PARK, CLAIMING THE PARK WASN'T LEGIT BECAUSE KIDS UNDER 10 WEREN'T ALLOWED. SEEMS LIKE A PERFECTLY LEGIT REASON TO ME. FORTUNATELY THE JUDGE IN THE CASE WENT ALL JOHNNY COCHRAN ON THEIR ASS, SAYING, "THE FIGHT OVER THE PARK'S USE, IS MORE LIKE LITIGATION ABUSE." TAILS UP FOR THAT JUDGE!

THANK CHRIST, THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS OUT THERE, AS WELL. CHICAGO FIREFIGHTERS RESCUED A MASTIF WHO'D SMARTLY CLIMBED ONTO THE ROOF TO ESCAPE THE FLAMES FROM A HOUSE FIRE. WAY TO GO GUYS. ... AND A CHIHUAHUA NAMED MIDGE WILL BECOME THE SMALLEST DRUG DOG IN OHIO, ONCE SHE FINISHES TRAINING. NOT A BAD CHOICE. CHIHUAHUAS KNOW FROM LOCO WEED.

AND THOUGH IT'S NOT GOOD NEWS, HERE'S A LOT OF RESPECT FOR MIKE MCCURRY OF WASHINGTON STATE, WHO DIED AFTER FALLING THROUGH THIN ICE WHILE TRYING TO SAVE A DOG THAT WAS DROWNING. IT WASN'T EVEN HIS DOG. I SALUTE YOU, MIKE.

SNIFF THIS!

HERE'S ANOTHER CASE OF USELESS DOG BASHING! YOU'LL NOTE THE LOUSY HEADLINE LAYS THE BLAME ON THESE POOR WORKING DOGS WHEN, IN FACT, IT'S THE HANDLERS WHO'RE LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING A-HOLES. I'M SURE THE DOGS WERE JUST WAITING FOR THE EXPLOSIVES TO BLOW THE TRAINERS TO SMITHEREENS. CHICAGOANS, THESE DOGS WERE WILLING TO SACRIFICE THEIR LIVES FOR YOUR SAFETY.

AS IS SADIE A BRITISH LAB SNIFFER WHO'S UP FOR A DICKIN MEDAL, WHICH IS THE ANIMAL EQUIVALENT OF THE VICTORIA CROSS. I BET NO CAT HAS EVER BEEN AWARDED ONE. AND IF ONE HAS, IT'S A DAMN SHAME. SADIE HAS BEEN CREDITED WITH SAVING COUNTLESS LIVES. AND HUMAN ONES AT THAT. GOOD JOB SADIE!


FINALLY, WHILE I GENERALLY APPLAUD MOVIE-STAR DOGS, THIS ONE NEEDS AN AGENT.
WHO NEEDS A TIM ALLEN REMAKE OF THE SHAGGY DOG WHEN THE O.G. WAS SO GODDAMNED GOOD? GET A BETTER SCRIPT READER, MUTT. AND, TIM ALLEN, PLEASE QUIT MAKING MOVIES.

BE HEELED.

OK, SOME NITWIT IN INDIA IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOGS BEING IN A HOSPITAL. I'M SURE THERE'S PLENTY OF THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IN INDIA (THEY LET COWS WALK AROUND UNBRIDLED AND LEAKING MILK EVERYWHERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE), BUT HERE IN AMERICA WE KNOW HAVING DOGS AROUND ACTUALLY HELPS PATIENTS RECOVER.

SO ALL YOU DOGS IN INDIA ARE COMMANDED TO IMMEDIATELY BUG OUT TO THE HOSPITAL AND BIVOUAC IN THE SURROUNDING AREA. SUPPORT YOUR FELLOW TROOPS INSIDE, AND TRY (I KNOW IT'S HARD) NOT TO IMPEDE INCOMING AND OUTGOING MAIL DELIVERIES.
AND FINALLY, WE'VE HAD SOME SUCCESS WITH HUMANS. INCREASINGLY, NO LONGER ARE WE LEFT OUTSIDE WITHOUT WATER OR FOOD, OR CHAINED TO A TREE OR SOMETHING THAT MAKES US WANT TO KILL KILL KILL!!! THE TIMES HAS A PRETTY GOOD ARTICLE ON JOHN GROGAN'S BOOK, "MARLEY AND ME," AND THE NATIONAL OBSESSION WITH DOG TRAINING. YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE STILL HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT A DOG IS A DOG AND WILL ALWAYS BEHAVE LIKE A DOG. I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S A PRIEST VISITING THE HOUSE OR WHAT, WE'LL NEVER USE A KNIFE AND FORK!

SO FOR ALL YOU DOGS, A QUESTION: WHAT DO YOUR PEOPLE DO WHEN YOUR INNER DOG GETS THE BEST OF YOU?

HEY, I GIVE A CRAP

FOR ALL OF YOU HUNG UP ON DOG CRAP IN YOUR YARDS (A SWEET-SMELLING NATURAL FERTILIZER). HERE'S A GREAT IDEA FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO TURN IT INTO POWER. WHAT DO YOU HUMANS DO WTIH YOUR SHIT? FLUSH IT INTO THE OCEAN? JESUS.

{REUETERS}
SAN FRANCISCO (Feb. 22) - San Francisco, a leader in urban recycling, is preparing to enlist its canine population for a first in the United States: converting dog poop into energy.

Norcal Waste Systems Inc., the city's garbage company, plans to test collection carts and biodegradable bags in a city-center park popular with dog walkers.

A city study found that almost 4 percent of all the garbage picked up at San Francisco homes was from animal waste destined for the city's landfill, Norcal Waste spokesman Robert Reid said. San Francisco has an estimated 120,000 dogs.
''The city asked us to start thinking about a pilot program to recycle the dog poop in order to cut back adding more waste in landfills,'' Reid said.
Dog feces could be scooped into a methane digester, a device that uses bugs and microorganisms to gobble up the material and emit methane, which would be trapped and burned to power a turbine to make electricity or to heat homes.


Dogs and cats in the United States produce about 10 million tons of waste a year, Will Brinton, an environmental scientist and owner-director of Woods End Laboratories in Maine, said.

''As much as we love them, our pets leave a lot of manure behind them in yards and on the street and that can be a major source of contamination of groundwater,'' Brinton said.
European cities such as Zurich, Frankfurt, Munich and Vienna are operating biomass programs to turn waste into gas, he said.
San Francisco runs an aggressive program to recycle bottles, cans, paper and other trash and now diverts two-thirds of its garbage away from landfills.
The city's goal is a 75 percent diversion by 2010 and zero new waste in landfills by 2020.